A Few Things from the Bike Shop

This is currently swirling around the internet, but I have to say it’s one of the funniest and most accurate things I’ve read on the web in years. If you work at a shop, you’ve thought or said most of these things already.

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sea/1192150038.html

Date: 2009-05-27, 4:05PM PDT


Whoo-hoo Seattle, the sun is out! Let’s discuss a few things before you fumble with swapping the unused ski rack for the unused bike rack on the Subaru.

So yes, you’ve noticed the sun is out, and hey!- maybe it would be cool to to some bike riding. Let’s keep in mind that the sun came out of all 600,000 of us, so for the most part, you’re not the only one who noticed. Please remember that when you walk into my shop on a bright, sunny Saturday morning. It will save you from looking like a complete twat that huffs “Why are there so many people here?”

Are we all on the same page now about it being sunny outside? Have we all figured out that we’re not the only clever people that feel sunny days are good for bike riding? Great. I want to kiss all of you on your forehead for sharing this moment with me. Put your vitamin D starved fingers in mine, and we’ll move on together to some pointers that will make life easier.

SOME POINTERS FOR THE PHONE:

  • I don’t know what size of bike you need. The only thing that I can tell over the phone is that you sound fat. I don’t care how tall you are. I don’t care how long your inseam is. Don’t complain to me that you don’t want to come ALL THE WAY down to the bike shop to get fitted for a bike. I have two hundred bikes in my inventory. I will find one that fits you. Whether you come from the north or the south, my shop is downhill. Pretend you’re going to smell a fart, ball up, and roll your fat ass down here.

  • Don’t get high and call me. Write it down, call me later. When I have four phone lines ringing, and a herdlet
    of people waiting for help, I can’t deal with you sitting there “uuuuhhh”-ing and “uuummm”-ing while your brain tries to put together some cheeto-xbox-fixie conundrum. We didn’t get disconnected, I left you on hold to figure your shit out.

-I really do need to see your bike to know what is wrong with it. You’ve already figured out that when you car makes a noise, the mechanic needs to see it. When your TV goes blank, a technician needs to see it. I can tell you, if there is one thing I’ve learned from you f___ing squirrels, it’s that “doesn’t shift right” means your bike could need a slight cable adjustment, or you might just need to stop backing into it with the Subaru. Bring it in, I’ll let you know for sure.

  • No, I don’t know how much a good bike costs. For some, spending $500 dollars is a kingly sum. For others, $500 won’t buy you one good wheel. You really need to have an idea of what you want, because every one of you raccoons “doesn’t want to spend too much”.

FOR YOU INVENTIVE TYPES AND DO-IT-YOURSELFERS:

  • Just because you think is should exist, doesn’t mean that it does. I know that to you, a 14 inch quill stem makes perfect sense, but what makes more sense is buying a bike that fits you, not trying to make your mountain bike that was too small for you to begin with into a comfort bike.

  • If some twat on some message board somewhere says that you can use the lockring from your bottom bracket as a lockring for a fixie conversion doesn’t mean that A: you can, or B: you should. Please listen to me on this stuff, I really do have your best interests at heart.

  • I love that you have the enthusiasm to build yourself a recumbent in the off season. That does not mean however, that I share your enthusiasm; ergo I won’t do the “final tweaks” for you. You figure out why that Sram shifter and that Shimano rear derailleur don’t work together. While we’re at it, you recumbent people scare me a little. Don’t bring that lumbering f___ing thing anywhere near me.

A DEDICATION TO ALL THE HIPSTER DUCHEBAGS:

-If you shitheads had any money, you wouldn’t NEED a vintage Poo-zhow to get laid. Go have an ironic mustache growing contest in front of American Apparel, so that I can continue selling $300 bikes to fatties, which is what keeps the lights on.

  • Being made in the 80’s may make something cool, but that doesn’t automatically make something good. The reason that no one has ridden that “vintage” Murray is because it’s shit. It was s___ in the 80’s, a trend it carried proudly through the 90’s, and rallied with into the '00’s. What I mean to say is, no, I can’t make it work better. It’s still s___, even with more air in the tires.

SO YOU’RE GONNA BUY A BIKE:

Good for you! Biking is awesome. It’s easy, it’s fun, it’s good for you. I want you to bike, I really do. To that end, I am here to help you.

-Your co-worker that’s “really into biking” knows f___ all. Stop asking for his advice. He could care less about you having the right bike. He wants to validate his bike purchase(s) through you. He also wants to sleep with you, and wear matching bike shorts with you.

  • You’re not a triathlete. You’re not. If you were, you wouldn’t be here, and we both know it.

  • You’re not a racer. If you were, I’d know you already, and you wouldn’t be here, and we both know it.

  • So you want a bike that you can ride to work, goes really fast, is good for that triathlon you’re doing this summer (snicker), is good on trails and mud, and costs less than $300. Yeah. Listen, I want a car that can go 200 miles an hour, tow a boat, has room for five adults, is easy to parallel park but can carry plywood, gets 60mpg, and only costs $3,000. I also want a unicorn to blow me. What are we even talking about here? Oh yeah. Listen, bikes can be fast, light, cheap and comfortable. Pick two, and we’re all good.

ABOUT YOUR KIDS:

Your kids are amazing. Sure are. No one else has kids as smart, able, funny or as good looking as you. Nope. Never see THAT around here.

  • I have no idea how long you kid will be able to use this bike. As it seems to me, your precious is a little retarded, and can’t even use the damn thing now. More likely, your budding genius is going to leave the bike in the driveway where you will Subaru the bike to death LONG before the nose picker outgrows the bike.

  • Stop being so jumpy. I am not a molester. You people REALLY watch too much TV. When I hold the back of the bike while your kid is on it, it’s not because I get a thrill from almost having my hand on kid butt, it’s because kids are unpredictable, and generally take off whenever possible, usually not in the direction you think they might go. Listen, if I were going to do anything bad to your kids, I’d feed them to sharks, because sharks are F___ING AWESOME.


    I hope this helps, and have fun this summer riding your kick-ass bike!

  • Location: Seattle

I guess its funny and all, but I’ve worked in a shop myself. My folks owned the shop and still do. Their business has thrived for over 30 years because they bend over backwards for their customers and would fire the too-cool-for-school A-hole that wrote this.

Just sayin…Angry people should stay out of retail! :slight_smile:

Both shops I’ve worked at were family owned, and also thrived for close to 40 years. Obviously if someone said anything like this to a customer, they’d no longer be employed.

I’m saying I can relate to the frustration this guy sees. I’ve been there man.

I’ve worked in retail for awhile including a stint at my family’s bike shop, so I definitely know where this guy is coming from. This post is quite funny but I agree if anyone actually acted this way with customers they would be fired.

Thats the great thing about craigslist though, you can be disgustingly nice to customers all day then go home and tell them how you really feel with an anonymous post. I try to treat all of my customers very well and with respect even when I want to punch them in the face. When the customers are away though you should here some of the things that get said at work. If someone is a pain in the a$$, rude, acting like a moron, or can’t control their kids we remember.

This is my bike shop/and bike shop guy Bruce, If he lived in Seattle he would have posted that same thing up, but like years earlyer.


Enjoy!

I especially liked the rant about bents. IMO, the people who ride them are a bit off.

Haha recumbent, I ride those…in the winter…at the gym…and they’re stationary, because I live in the tundra. They are stupid white rich men’s “bikes”, but it would be great, if just for laughs if a recumbent bike team rode the Tour de France.

In the last year or so i’ve gotten more into riding and attempting to build up my own bikes from good frames that I find. I’ve run into dicks like this guy who can’t discern a stupid question from a legitimate one and treat you as though you’re stealing their livelihood by learning to do things yourself. Chances are, if you’re cool and hook me up with a little advice I will buy parts from your store so you can get back to serving the fatbodies.

But luckily for me I have found 2 great non-profit community bike shops/coops where you can go and get parts and advice and not be made to feel like a dumbass because you don’t know what the measurements between a 110 and a 130 chain ring mean.