Are patents worthless if you can't afford to protect them?

from what I’ve heard around the water cooler…

Next spring US patent law reform takes effect, so you may want to look into those changes.
The current US patent is not recognized in the rest of the world, correct. For that you need an international patent, which is recognized as prior art in the US.
China disregards IP as a rule.
Broad patents are difficult to defend and narrow patents are easy to work around. Best bet is to bundle the ideas around your central idea together so that implimenting anything is a violation.
I know that may not help, but good luck anyway.