The organization reads considerably better, but I still have some issues with the overall quality and message ( not sure if it would be enough for an entry position which I think is your goal).
sketchie105 wrote:Do you think Mint, Rydaware and Flatline tell a story?
I think the biggest thing a storyteller can do for him/herself is to for one moment occupy someone else's shoes as to get an objective perspective with fresh eyes, forget for a moment you were the one who build the thing, it is incredibly hard, writers put aside their first drafts for a few months and then come back to them, but they have time, imagine also your audience in this specific case has very limited time.
This is how Rydaware reads :
(The objective here is to troubleshoot, not to bring down your work or person).
-The thumbnail makes no sense, you have enough space to display the actual object and save some time once clicked.
On the page:
-There is a thing in the handlebars of a bicycle.
- Charts and Text (Tiny Text). NONE of them made sense to me until I read them, at this point if I was actually reviewing your portfolio I would have closed the Tab.
-More infographics with components, I am beyond confused at this point.
- Sketches of low quality, is this a signaling device ?
- More sketches, that don't convey meaning, I can't understand them, what is their purpose, more confusion.
-Concepts ? for what ? what is that alien looking chart in the middle ?
- Nice mood board, how is this related.
- More sketches, now a little more polished, but the text ? I can't read your writing, what's wrong with normal text.
- Renders and lights that still make no sense.
It took me about 3 reads to figure out what the product was, the key was buried in the text and I had to use my imagination to figure out how it worked, about 15 minutes in total.
Sorry, that was brutal and I don't have all the answers, I guess my suggestion would be to reduce the overall number of graphics ( 3 maybe) and text ( 1 paragraph) while Increasing the presentation values . ( and try again and again).
Edit: I forgot to mention, but on the resume page, include a link to a download or a google/docs page as well, ( that way a recruiter can print it, download it,you can attach it on an email etc).